With the quadrennial Euro 2012 set to kick off this Friday, we are about to witness the world's second (apart from the annual Champions League) finest continental competition's final stages, in the culmination of a nearly two years long qualification process. And as always, the questions this site will seek to answer are simple but important: is this worth my high?
Before analyzing the group stage matches over the next few days, let's go balls-deep into some squad rankings.
GROUP A
Poland - So I watched about 2 minutes of the BBC's Panorama hate-porn which is said to paint Poland with the broadest of rascist, fascist brushes. Highlights included monkey chants directed at black players, as well as fascist salutes that were simply far too derivative and unoriginal for my tastes as it comes to fascist salutes. Nazi salutes are so last century. But, it was refreshing to see violent Ultras in such low rent, rinky-dink high school football stadia. In one case, when traveling supporters were banned from attendance to curb the threat of violence, the numbskulls eventually turned their violent passions on the police, which for me is as good a move as any at that point. The riot police on screen, and purportedly in real life, behaved like Grand Theft Auto A.I. being funneled to the next checkpoint. It's as if two of the three parties required for that particular riot turned up for a threesome, and decided, "Well. We've already bought all these condoms and all this lube. It'd be a damn shame see it all go to waste."
Which is to say that, playing ability aside, there's certainly plenty of food for thought to mentally chew on and digest during the Polish nationalist team matches.
Puff Puff Pass: Puff!
Greece - So, how can they afford to send a team? Great question! Who knows? As for the football, it's likely to be dreadfully dull, and only possibly effective. The names are incredibly fun to say (say "Apostos Vellios" aloud), and there can certainly be no shortage of debt-related to jokes to make at their expense. Personally, I'm excited to see how their tournament plays out, but I would not recommend watching them to anyone.
Puff Puff Pass: Pass!
Russia - Sizing up the teams in this group, there is a real deep good history among all of them. I mean, not a lot of "good" history, especially over the last couple centuries. But there are some intriguing players, some enigmas, and some gnarly names. Try playing a game of FIFA while hearing the name "Zhirkov" and not giggle incessantly. Andrei Arshavin was one of the rising stars of 2008, and four years later he has raised more questions than he's answered. Pavel Pogrebniak found a tremendous vein of form following his transfer to Fulham, and the Russians should expect to profit from it. They may not advance from the group stage, but they will likely produce two or three goal-of-the-tourney candidates.
Puff Puff Pass: Puff!
Czech Republic - Petr Cech borrows his headgear from a different local special needs kid for every game.
Puff Puff Pass: Pass!
Before analyzing the group stage matches over the next few days, let's go balls-deep into some squad rankings.
GROUP A
Poland - So I watched about 2 minutes of the BBC's Panorama hate-porn which is said to paint Poland with the broadest of rascist, fascist brushes. Highlights included monkey chants directed at black players, as well as fascist salutes that were simply far too derivative and unoriginal for my tastes as it comes to fascist salutes. Nazi salutes are so last century. But, it was refreshing to see violent Ultras in such low rent, rinky-dink high school football stadia. In one case, when traveling supporters were banned from attendance to curb the threat of violence, the numbskulls eventually turned their violent passions on the police, which for me is as good a move as any at that point. The riot police on screen, and purportedly in real life, behaved like Grand Theft Auto A.I. being funneled to the next checkpoint. It's as if two of the three parties required for that particular riot turned up for a threesome, and decided, "Well. We've already bought all these condoms and all this lube. It'd be a damn shame see it all go to waste."
Which is to say that, playing ability aside, there's certainly plenty of food for thought to mentally chew on and digest during the Polish nationalist team matches.
Puff Puff Pass: Puff!
Greece - So, how can they afford to send a team? Great question! Who knows? As for the football, it's likely to be dreadfully dull, and only possibly effective. The names are incredibly fun to say (say "Apostos Vellios" aloud), and there can certainly be no shortage of debt-related to jokes to make at their expense. Personally, I'm excited to see how their tournament plays out, but I would not recommend watching them to anyone.
Puff Puff Pass: Pass!
Russia - Sizing up the teams in this group, there is a real deep good history among all of them. I mean, not a lot of "good" history, especially over the last couple centuries. But there are some intriguing players, some enigmas, and some gnarly names. Try playing a game of FIFA while hearing the name "Zhirkov" and not giggle incessantly. Andrei Arshavin was one of the rising stars of 2008, and four years later he has raised more questions than he's answered. Pavel Pogrebniak found a tremendous vein of form following his transfer to Fulham, and the Russians should expect to profit from it. They may not advance from the group stage, but they will likely produce two or three goal-of-the-tourney candidates.
Puff Puff Pass: Puff!
Czech Republic - Petr Cech borrows his headgear from a different local special needs kid for every game.
Puff Puff Pass: Pass!
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