Saturday, June 9, 2012

UEFA EURO 2012: Group B Preview! Death to Groups!


Netherlands - Now we get to the good stuff.  As good a representative of the global capital of WatchStuffHigh's inspiration as could be imagined, this Netherlands side is capable of producing perhaps the most aesthetically pleasing brand of football to be found at the Euro.  Anytime the ball leaves the ground, there's a chance Robin Van Persie will volley it into the back of the net, simultaneously violating seven different laws of physics.  The only knock on this iteration of Oranje, and pretty much every other iteration, is their penchant to wilt in crunch time.  Arjen Robben has been to three MAJOR cup finals over the last two years, and has collected only a runners-up medal at each.  He's a one-man Buffalo Bill.  For all their prowess, influence, and preternatural instincts and abilities, they have only once won a major international trophy, at Euro 1988 hosted in West Germany.  They have a good chance to match that feat over the next three or so weeks, and will at the very least entertain exquisitely.

Puff Puff Pass:  Puff Puff!

Denmark - The most obvious sacrificial lambs in one of three separate groups of death, these Danes will either overachieve or be sent packing.  Nicklas Bendtner will lead the line, which is basically all you need to know about this side's chances.  Despite accumulating a respectable scoring record this past season for Sunderland, it's not hard to wonder if he'd still be at higher-profiled and prestige-d Arsenal if he were capable of hitting wide open targets.  Of course, there are myriad reasons to hate most any player, but his ineptitude in front of gaping goal mouths combined with an arrogance, and also a nonchalance, as well as a palpable insouciance, send him to the top of my talentless douche informal research.  Despite their forthcoming rating, you may want to watch their matches on account of their group stage opponents.  Blink and you'll miss them.

Puff Puff Pass:  Pass!

Ze Germans - Dangerously precise and mechanical, this German football team has the engines and the wheels to race straight down or across the Autobahn and over the tournament finish line, with pistons and other car stuff happening that would also be metaphorical.  I have high expectations of this team, and have tipped them to leave as Champions Of Europe.  However, this is partly to do with not really wishing to see Spain continue their recent triumphance in both club and international football.  And again, heavily factor in the glee factor in pronouncing some of these German names: Bastian Schweinsteiger!  Mesut Ozil!  And who could forget my personal favorite:  Per Mertesacker!!!  Loosely translated as "of my nut sack-er."  If they manage to top their group, as I predict that they shall, that would speak volumes about this team's qualities and potential going forward into the knockout stage of the tournament.  Strongly recommended.

Puff Puff Pass: Puff Puff!

Portugal - As is so often the case with major international squads, their results will matter little in the enjoyment factor of watching them play.  Either they will gel together and find ways to play to each others' strengths, or they will make really distressed faces for the camera.  As a neutral, there's virtually no difference.  And as it continues to be for this Portugal side, the perpetual knock against them is their ego problems.  In Nani and Ronaldo, there are two star wingers that would walk into almost any team, club or country, in the world.  They have quality and experience all over the pitch, and yet, no one knows what will become of this generation of Portuguese.  Most would expect them to run-up third to Germany and Netherlands, and they'd be right.

Puff Puff Pass: Puff!

1 comment:

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